Find your Inner Parachute

It is interesting to hear about the journey of inner transformation that people take in order to grow dramatically in their lives. Everyone’s story is so unique, however I have found that most of them have one common thread: they revolve around some form of personal crisis. It is not the specific circumstance in which one finds themselves, but the feeling of being ‘in crisis’ that is the critical turning point. Real growth requires a starkly honest look in the mirror, a major shift requires a taking several steps outside one’s comfort zone. So really, even though the desire to change and grow might genuinely exist in individuals, the process is kept at bay by their subconscious need to stay ‘secure’ in what is ‘known’ to them. Gentle lessons may have a tough time piercing though rigid or stubborn minds.

That is when, ultimately, when we are pushed to the point of ‘crisis’ that we seek some answers, some way out. Some people find counsel in family and friends; they find a sense of security and nurturing ‘outside’ themselves, which may serve them just fine. However, we all know that we don’t have perfect families, people don’t always say the things we ‘want’ them to say, partners may not always offer the best non-judgmental support. So, we feel more anxious, distorted, confused. All this is a ‘shove’ to make us find the strength within us. To find the security that is rooted in self, the belief and faith that emanates from our inner being. These are not found in any external person, place or set of circumstances. Yet, we live our lives unaware of the power that lies within us: so real, palpable, honest, without judgment and only of unconditional love.

Crisis brings us to the edge of a cliff. We feel like we are at the end of our wits and the only way left to go is down. Moments in life that are perceived as failure, when we feel cornered, when compromises made add up and take their toll; such moments drive people to the edge of a cliff. What are the options? One either fights for their survival back onto playing ground or they fall off. Tapping into our inner power is the safety net that we all have but somehow are largely unaware of. Connecting to that core, is like connecting to our inner parachute, the safety net in all this!

By practices of meditation or inner-awareness, one learns to open the curtains and weave the path to the inner core. Opening each curtain involves understanding the make-up of our being, our psyche, belief system and all of our accumulated definitions. With each curtain that opens up, we align ourselves more directly with the core. In that power, which is a seed of the Divine, there is no fear, there is only love. This brings an end to ‘cliffhanger’ moments. It opens life to experiences of joy, expansion, sharing and the possibility to cultivate a multitude of creative and healing powers.

“You find peace not by rearranging the circumstances of your life, but by realizing who you are at the deepest level.” – Eckhart Tolle

Nature of Opposites

If you knew then what you know now, where would lie the lesson?
Without black there is no white.
The beauty of the nature of opposites is that it offers depth and meaning to the passing.
It is what allows us to have experience.

Inner Reflections

Some quotes… (inspired from many great teachers!)

The right moment, the only moment of consequence, is right now.

If you fear that by slowing down you may not be able to accomplish as much, think about the possibility that when you stop reaching out for so much, you may actually end up grasping more. (adapted from Jonathan Cainer’s writings)

Each projection of our mind contributes to the world we create. Observe how you see your world and the people in it, that speaks of nothing other than your own mind. Understand your mental projections and you will understand your limitations.

” In silence and waiting something inside you goes on growing – your authentic being. And one day it jumps and becomes a flame, and your whole personality is shattered; you are a new person.” This new self knows how to be present, wholly… how to exist, in perfect harmony… knows how to live in celebration. (adapted from Osho’s writings)
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It has been one of those periods of shift in my life where everything is getting re-arranged and the unnecessary is being purged.
It has led to some major reconsideration of what I want to move forward with… what serves me and what doesn’t. This has much more to do with clearing and letting go of my own mental blocks/ clutter rather than distancing myself from people or sources of stress around me (as I used to see it anyway).
It is amazing to be in your own life again but with such a different perspective: to be truly and genuinely content with circumstances surrounding you, to be more of an observer with your emotions, to be able to laugh at your inner child, to reveal a hidden courage aching to leap out, to be compassionate and forgiving starting with yourself. Sigh, we judge ourselves so much more than we realize with the ’shoulds’ and ’should haves’. It may seem strange, but try to imagine a beaten up tree that now has new roots… as it gets better nourished, slowly the inside transforms and the foliage is just a bit greener and a little more shiny, with more time it will start to flower… and then, who knows!
Not everything is picture perfect, not everything goes according to plan, but then again I just discovered that there really is no picture nor a plan. Illness, physical pain and periods of deep anguish still flank my moments of joy and awareness, but I now realize that every moment is serving a purpose. Instead of fighting it, I try not to identify with it and allow it to unfold while being fully aware and conscientious of the lessons that are meant to be unveiled. It is the law of the universe: E=mc2. Truly, nothing is created nor destroyed, so why do we worry so much about what happens in the middle?
I am very grateful that I am beginning to understand how life, with all its facets and complexities, is really very simple… and also quite magical!

?

I sometimes wonder why I started this blog.

I am usually a person of few words, relatively speaking, unless I have something to say.

One should know the answer to ‘Why?’

I totally used to play the annoying ‘but why’ game as a child – start at a random phrase and repeat ‘but why’ every answer thereafter and see how long it takes for the person to crack… I drove my mom nuts!

My head used to register weird things as a kid, one of them being advice or wise words I would read in some book or hear somewhere. I wasn’t the kind to refute or rebel back then… a seriously naïve child, but observant and listening. Even back then, I didn’t speak much. I noticed how people communicated in so many ways other than words. I only wish more people understood these other languages better, then I wouldn’t have to speak at all.

I vaguely remember a story I once read about a man in his old age, reflecting back on his life, questioning his choices, some of which he regretted. The point of the story was that if you think about your decisions before reaching them and can answer the ‘Why?’, then upon looking back you can have the comfort of knowing that you made the best decision in that moment. Maybe that was supposed to make the outcomes easier to accept, whatever they may be and perhaps, to have no regrets.

Now, my naïve self bought that story. Not realizing that decisions cannot always be weighed, sometimes we don’t always have all the information. Sometimes life does not grant us the time to think about it. Sometimes we are afraid… even terrified. And the times when we are not, we start questioning why we aren’t afraid enough, we miss the adrenaline and butterflies. Sometimes we give trivial decisions too much importance. Sometimes we just stop caring… times like those are the worst. Many times we second guess ourselves. Almost always, we think too much.

I wonder though, if that childhood naivety can serve me with the same comfort as it once did. We revel in being so clever these days when it really drives us into more cynical, critical and judging beings. Maybe the comfort was not in the naivety but in the lack of baggage. Sometimes I really want to erase all questions from my mind. How on earth am I supposed to be able to tell between an inner instinct and a mere mental projection with all the clutter? It would feel even better if I could gut out the doubts, fears and insecurities that reside in the pit of my belly. I would love to let my heart be open and free, without fear of vulnerability or getting cracked. When did I start believing that my heart was made of glass? I do not remember.

We all need to deal with the baggage, but sometimes we just need a break from it and need to detach. That may be why the media, entertainment industry and bars thrive. Anything to distract… sometimes we choose healthier distractions than others.

Right now I choose neither to work nor to sleep, either of which is a more efficient use of my time instead of writing at this early morning hour without sleep, with a deadline in my face. Right now I choose not to second guess myself nor to think too much about it. I choose to detach. These choices are made easier by the mental haze and drop in neuron firing due to acute fatigue.

A place to detach… maybe that’s why I started this blog.

Just stop…

Man, we move way too fast these days. I can’t stand this dichotomy. I feel like I am not doing enough, yet I barely stand still anymore. My mind is tired but I still read, my body is tired but I still went to the gym this morning. I need to re-acquaint myself with the odd saturdays when I used to veg out in front of the tube and not be bothered with the dishes or the laundry or the lab… blech!

I have forgotten about the body, mind and spirit balance. I spent a few years learning and living the ‘integrated’ way of life. I know my mind affects my health and wellness… then why do I insist on testing its limits? Somemtimes, we go through life not realizing how much baggage we have accumulated, how much perspective we are losing of our priorities, of our potential. And before it hits us we become so enthralled with the lists and details that we can no longer be objective or constructive with ourselves. This seems to be a trend these days, individually, collectively… we just keep moving.

Being overly introspective and analytical is also a trap. Getting all bogged down with details or being overzealous isn’t too ideal for a healthy perspective either.

Anyway, I need to make it a point to stop at least once a day. Slow down, ward off any stimuli, shut down the ego, let go and just breathe. Prana (breath) is the connection between the body, mind and the soul. Mystics have simple practices. Maybe we need to be a little simpler.

questioning…

Aloha

I’ve been absent for a while… to the handful of people that actually come here, apologies for my silence in the blog-o-sphere.

I seriously need some moments of silence though… I guess I have become too accustomed to them. Right now life is far too busy with my parents and brother who are visiting me. It has been two years since we have all been together. I do miss them and am glad to have them here, but adjusting back to the ways of living with parents is not easy for me nor for them. Especially when there have been so many changes in my life they aren’t exactly up to par with… it creates a gap that is more challenging to bridge at times. Living far from home has come with its challenges but has also given me some of the best gifts in life. One of them is being able to grow from my own experiences, detached from constructs of society and family that would have otherwise been imposed upon me. The context I speak of is primarily cultural (north Indian).

I cannot and do not wish to identify myself with anything other than south asian, because that is my heritage… for the most part. But I cannot deny the various other influences/factors that have entered my life in the last 8 years and that have played a huge role in my growth. Even before I moved away from home, I had lived in several different countries as a child. I have a small piece of many cultures within myself. While I was away in university, I believe that I was able to perceive the new outer influences with a more open mind because I was distanced enough from my childhood constructs. I did not project my preconceived notions onto them as easily, nor did I judge them based on ‘what would my parents say’ or sillier yet ‘what would people say’. The open-ness and receptivity towards the influences was a result of a ‘loose’ mental construct and resulted in an expansion of my mind and being which would not have been possible otherwise. [This wasn’t intrinsic nor was it as easy as it sounds in writing… it was developed along with many mistakes and lots of introspection]

I try to lead a ‘spiritual’ life… what I mean by that exactly will take too long to elaborate. I feel that an important aspect of spiritual progress is tolerance and acceptance (and boy are these values being challenged these days with family!). One way to tolerate and accept is to become more empathetic… we so need to cut the ego for that, which is what makes it so difficult! If one can understand others first, and then expect to be understood, it is easier to relate to others with patience and open-mindedness. Words of the ‘spiritually wise’ claim that the feeling of oneness with the entire creation, dissolving all barriers and constructs, living in the experience of the Truth, etc… are an important milestone in the spiritual journey. As I try to undo these constructs, I find that certain practical roles and expectations of me become harder to fulfill.

I believe in reincarnation. I feel very closely connected to cultures other than the one I was born into in this lifetime. I feel that I need to live a life of expansion and not of dissection or compartmentalization… (man I need to change my career from medical science!). What can I claim as my heritage then? Indian values are important to me, but I find that the values I want to carry and pass on are human and social values that permeate many cultures. They don’t just belong to India. Then why create all these barriers and definitions/divisions of different cultures? Exploring cultures to understand and bridge differences is a good thing, but we inherently understand and compartmentalize soon after, by which we often place judgement or attach a pre-conceived notion to the info prior to stacking it away.

I don’t exactly know what I am trying to say… and no I am not a tree-hugging, high, new-age hippie… please don’t try to define or classify me. I am just questioning… asking some questions out loud. I am trying to understand. I do that sometimes, only before my words never met the blog-o-sphere. I met Gurumata today, she always spirals some inner process into motion, leaving me with lots to work out. So, now that you have more insight into my warped mind, do you have any answers for me?

Delirium

I am semi-delirious at 3am and cannot sleep! Heard of a new band today called Niyaz… their music isn’t helping my state!

There is a feeling of confusion and a need to completely detach. I used to fear the sensation of feeling completely removed from myself. It felt like the walls of a house trying to hold up without any foundation, in frantic need of some support to keep themselves in place. The breaking down of structures we identify with is never an easy feeling.

Strangely, I find comfort in that now. It feels like the walls are floating… with relative ease. I do not look for any foundation or support… that is what I seek to break free from.

To exist, my delirium needs that.

With the mind in place tomorrow morning, the foundation will dictate how the walls stand. I shall be confined once again.

To exist, my being needs that.

…some more Tao

“He who knows others is clever,
He who knows himself has discernment,
He who overcomes others has force,
He who overcomes himself is strong.

He who knows contentment is rich,
He who perseveres is a man of purpose,
He who does not lose his station will endure,
He who lives out his days has had a long life.”

“The Way is broad, reaching left as well as right.
The myriad creatures depend on it for life
Yet it claims no authority.
It accomplishes its task yet lays claim to no merit.
It clothes and feeds the creature yet lays no claim to being master.
It is because it never attempts itself to be great
That it succeeds in becoming great.”

Tao Te Ching – Translation by D.C. Lau

Tao te Ching

Here are some secrets of Tao…

“The best of man is like water,
Which benefits all things, and does not contend with them,
Which flows in places that others disdain,
Where it is in harmony with the Way.

So the sage:
Lives within nature,
Thinks within the deep,
Gives within impartiality,
Speaks within trust,
Governs within order,
Crafts within ability,
Acts within opportunity.
He does not contend, and none contend against him.”

“Nature says only a few words:
High wind does not last long,
Nor does heavy rain.
If nature’s words do not last
Why should those of man?”

May your heart be peaceful when you sleep tonight…

Have no worries,
sleep in peace.
The moon minds
keeping its face
behind its veils.

Heart is
like a moon.
Don’t keep
sorrows in it.
Throw them away
in waters deep.

- a Rumi translation -